September 25, 2023
By Chris Kiefer
It started out as a casual date. She met him on Tinder. She had been feeling depressed and lonely, and was just looking to have fun. They had a few too many drinks and they ended up at his apartment. She was not sure if she really wanted to sleep with him but it was already happening so fast, a little too fast! And what about using a condom?! She wanted to stop but she did not want to embarrass herself and make a scene. Well, who cares?! she thought. I might as well enjoy myself and live a little! After all, she was a little drunk, or she thought she was.
Afterwards, as she lay in bed and he was getting up, she wondered if this could lead somewhere. She looked to his face and smiled to see if there was any interest. But he was getting dressed so quickly. They did not talk much or even look at each other, as if what had just happened had not happened. She felt embarrassed. I guess that’s it. He did say he was not looking for anything serious on his profile, she reasoned. Thanks. Bye. The door shut. There she laid alone. Still the same emptiness inside.
This may not seem like an ideal hook up, but it is quite often the norm.
The Hookup Culture
Hooking up generally refers to individuals having uncommitted, non-romantic, sexual intercourse with each other. This is not limited to strangers, it includes friends. Today’s culture is one that accepts hooking up as the norm and as socially acceptable. Hookup culture is prevalent among young people.
In one study of sexually active adolescents ranging in ages 12 to 21, 70% of them reported having uncommitted sex within the year. Part of the reason for this prevalence and acceptance is the belief that hooking up is risk-free. But that is not the reality. Here are some of the real consequences of the hookup culture:
- Low use of condoms and the high risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs
There is a link between hooking up and not using a condom. In a study of 1,468 college students, less than half (46.6%) of students who had oral, anal or vaginal sex in their latest hookup used a condom. Exacerbating the problem is the fact that people who hookup are more likely to have concurrent sexual partners
- Regret, loneliness, and depression
Hooking up is associated with regret and depression for both men and women. One study found that women experienced more severe symptoms of depression the more sex partners they had within the last year, and that regret after a hookup means a higher likelihood of depressive symptoms. Another study found that women are significantly more likely to hope for a romantic relationship after a hookup, compared to men.
- Alcohol, substance use, and nonconsensual sex
Two studies on hookups found that a significant percent of participants either felt pressured or out of control during their typical hookup, and in another they did not want to hookup or were unable to give their consent. Hooking up is associated with alcohol and substance use, and unwanted and nonconsensual sex is more likely to occur with alcohol and substance use.
Why do these statistics matter? Because they tell a common story, different than what is portrayed in romantic movies and fiction. Those hookups often depict a hot encounter, that is completely consensual, with no condoms, no regrets, no depression, no STDs, and with it miraculously turning into a romantic long-term relationship that ends in a happily ever after.
Talk about fiction!
What We Want vs. What We Do
Young people looking for love and meaning in their lives, along with parents hoping to help their children, should be wise to acknowledge the real unintended consequences of hooking up. Otherwise, they will be pretty disappointed with the end results. There is a difference between what we want, and what our behavior is actually leading to. What we do has to match what we want. The problem with hookup culture is hookup culture itself. Hookup culture is risky sexual behavior – it is impulsive, depressive, and unintentional behavior. You cannot separate these things from hookups because they are one and the same.
A Hard, but Real Solution
And so I offer a real solution that many may find too hard. But it is the most effective because it views hookup culture for what it really is, and helps you be intentional about what you really do want. To be truly intentional, follow these rules:
- Wait to have sex until you are married
- Do not drink alcohol or use recreational drugs
- Date only with the intent to marry
If you believe they are too unrealistic for you or you do not believe in being that stringent, then I suggest you at least start with the following alternatives. And read the alternative rules below as a deeper explanation for the rules above. They are the underlying principles that make the above rules much more likely to give you the results you really want in life.
- Develop a long-term relationship and obtain a strong commitment before having sex
If someone truly wants you for you, they will invest in you and they will commit to you. Have them show you that you are worth it. Do not cheapen yourself by giving yourself to just anyone without building a relationship and receiving commitment. You are worth more than the sum of your body parts!
- Do not drink alcohol as a way to recreate or party with others
There are other ways to enjoy life without the risk of losing your ability to be alert, aware, and in control of your own actions. Leave social drinking to dinners with family and close friends, AND where there is no pressure to drink excessively.
- Do not date casually without your ultimate relationship goal in mind
Most people want a long-term, committed, and fulfilling relationship. Studies show that marriage is the best option to obtain long-term commitment and satisfaction in a relationship, even more than cohabitation. If marriage is your ultimate goal, and for most people it is, even if they do not realize it, then do not date casually, not even for a time. Do more than avoid hookups, seek with real intent for a person you would want to be committed to for the rest of your life. Do not waste your time otherwise.
Choosing your path in life happens with intentionality, not by chance or by desire alone. Casual sex, alcohol and substance use, and dating aimlessly take away your power to be intentional and in control of your life, your relationships, and your outcomes. Trying to force desired outcomes from behavior that does not yield those outcomes, will never truly work. Follow these rules and you will be more likely to achieve the results you really want in life – a fulfilling love life and relationship, control over your life and over who you “end up” with, and a healthier body and lifestyle.
