June 14, 2023
By Jamie Gordon
The day was Thursday, April 16, 1998, a day that I had anticipated for a long time, it was the day that I would marry my best friend! It was the most amazing day, and then our married life began. We had ups and downs like any marriage, but we vowed to work it out. Divorce was not an option ever; we were married for time and all eternity that day, and made a promise to each other that we would work things out in sickness or health, rich or poor, and anything else that stood in our way. I had no idea that these promises we made to each other would be put to the ultimate test.
A year and a few months later we had our very first daughter. She was exactly what we were expecting. She was beautiful, and we were so in love with her. We had the picture perfect family. Twenty-one months later we welcomed another beautiful daughter, and we were so in love with her as well. Then our life was changed for the better, and three years later we had a handsome baby boy. Our cute little family consisted of my husband and I and our three little children.
On Friday, October 13, 2006, our lives changed drastically. My husband was diagnosed with a genetic terminal illness, called Metachromatic Leukodystrophy. It was a huge roadblock in our life, but we knew we had to deal with this “new normal” in our lives with our three children under the age of seven. I remember knowing that this diagnosis was a death sentence, but I had no idea how long it would be before he became unable to function as a husband and father. It was heartbreaking for both of us. I knew that I would love him no matter what. Did this diagnosis mean the end of our marriage? Nope, it meant we still fight together. I had already made up my mind when we exchanged our vows that I would stay in sickness or health.
When I would tell people about his diagnosis they would say “just get divorced, and move on with your life.” I was absolutely astounded that someone would actually encourage me to divorce my spouse. My vows meant more to me than just to leave him and never look back. As our life together went on, I got as much information as I could about this disease and became an expert. I came to understand that he would lose all of his abilities, his memory, and he eventually was diagnosed with dementia.
That is the hardest part of this disease. He does not remember my name or my kids’ names, but I do. He doesn’t remember our anniversary, but I do, doesn’t remember my birthday, the kids’ birthdays or even his birthday, but I do. Is it hard to celebrate my anniversary without him? Yes, but I still remember that day we were married as the perfect day, and we were so happy.
According to an article in the New York Post, researchers found that 31 percent of marriages involving an ill spouse ended in divorce. “We found that women are doubly vulnerable to marital dissolution in the face of illness,” said Karraker, a researcher at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research. “They are more likely to be widowed, and if they are the ones who become ill, they are more likely to get divorced.”
Why do we as humans think that marriage is disposable; if things don’t work out you can just get divorced? Is this the age of disposable marriage? An article on the Love, Life, Learning Center website shows how our growing generation is becoming the disposable marriage.
Dr Alejandra Vasquez on joincake.com suggests 11 tips to live with a terminally ill spouse. They are
- Allow Yourself to Feel Grief
- Accept Your Differences in Grieving
- Learn to Let Go
- Adjust Your Expectations
- Live in the Present
- Communicate Openly
- Spend More Time Together
- Don’t Lose Hope
- Help Create a Lasting Legacy
- Seek Support
- Understand Your Emotions
My husband’s terminal disease made it very tough to take care of him, so I knew I had to set a limit for myself to keep him home with me and my children. We finally had to make the hardest decision ever in our life together as a family and that was to place my husband, their father, in a nursing home because he was not safe at home by himself while we were in school, or working, and he deserved more help and care that I was not able to provide.
Marriage to one person is a choice, and I made that choice with my husband, which is why I have kept those vows and always will. Our lives have been redirected many times, but I still love him with all my heart. We made an eternal commitment to each other and our love will never dim, but it has become a “Different Kind of Love”.
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Jamie Gordon is a Senior at Brigham Young University-Idaho and will graduate in July 2023,
with her bachelor’s degree in Marriage and Family Studies. She was born and raised in West
Jordan, Utah, and just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary with her husband Jaren. They
have two daughters and one son. She likes to advocate for families, especially elderly, and
disabled people. She is looking forward to working on the Homefront Kids project this semester.
She can’t wait to learn new things from her internship at UFI.