October 31, 2023
By Chris Kiefer
The following counsel is Part 2, and primarily directed to young men in their 20’s.
Actively Prepare for and Seek Marriage
If you want to invest in your greatest source of happiness and fulfillment, get married and have children. Do not cohabitate, and do not delay marriage. While you do not know when it will happen, you can pursue and prepare for marriage and fatherhood. Here are some steps you can take to prepare for marriage and fatherhood while you proactively seek to get married and start a family.
1. Date with the Intent to Marry
First and foremost, always date with the intent to marry, even if you do not intend to cohabitate or delay marriage, never date casually without that purpose. Why? Because you only develop romantic feelings for people you spend time with. If you date casually, including going out with someone who you would not want to marry, you risk falling in love with them. It is that much harder to walk away from someone you love.
But Chris, isn’t love enough? Here is a life truth I learned from former BYU professor, Brent A Barlow:
Just because you love someone does not mean you should marry them.
How many people have divorced even though they still loved their spouse? If love is not enough to stay married, then it is not enough by itself to get married. Looking for red flags when dating helps you avoid marrying the wrong person. But if you date casually, you may not notice those red flags because you are not looking for them, because you are not looking to get married. And if you fall in love with that person, then you put yourself in an emotionally blinding situation.
Dating without the intent to marry also makes it that much easier to default into hooking up, delaying marriage, cohabitating, or “ending up” with someone that you just would not have ended up with otherwise. If you are not committed to a purpose, you will have no aim, and you will end up wherever the wind takes you.
2. Learn to Love to Read Good Books
Reading is the pathway to enlightenment. You will become more knowledgeable and self-aware when you read. Reading good books will make you wiser and more aware of mistakes and pitfalls you can avoid in life and in your relationships. Start out by reading things you are interested in, even comic books. As your interests change, try out other books and topics, including self-help and historical books, you will find incredible treasures you will love and that will help you mature.
3. Go Outside, Get Some Sun, and Stay Active
This is especially important for adolescent boys, but applicable to all ages. Go to the park or museum, learn a hobby, go biking, hiking, or join a class. If you are shy with girls, simply going outside will be a catalyst towards gaining social skills and social confidence. Staying inside too often will hurt your social drive and ability. No need to force anything, just start by going outside to do something you like.
4. Limit your Screen Time and Video Games to 1-2 hours per Day
Many young boys develop unhealthy habits of media consumption that continue into adulthood. To help you get out more, limit your time on games and screen entertainment to no more than 2 hours daily.
5. Avoid Pornography like the Plague
Few things can kill love faster and more thoroughly than porn. When married, it can hurt your ability to see the outer and inner beauty of your wife and negatively influence your relationship. If you do not agree, answer this: would you want your future son-in-law to compare your daughter to the women he regularly views in porn? If not, then you already get it.
When dating, it will hurt your ability to date with the intent to marry because porn can teach you to see women as sexual objects rather than gauging them as a potential mother to your children, and as someone who could stay by your side through thick and thin.
If you are watching porn, begin the effort to stop now. Planning to stop porn only after you are married is not pragmatic. First, porn can be difficult to quit. It can also be difficult to get rid of detrimental mental distortions that porn can carry into the marriage bedroom and relationship.
6. Treat your Mom, Sisters, and Women with Respect
The way you treat your mom and sisters is indicative of the way you will treat your wife. Do not raise your voice at your mom, or even your sisters. Practice self-control. Figure out appropriate ways to handle disagreements. Even if you are no longer at home, practice now with neighbors, coworkers, classmates, friends, and strangers. The Speaker-Listener Technique has helped our family learn to navigate difficult conversations.
7. Learn the Value of Honest Work and Its Rewards
To be a man, learn to work.
Only through labor can you experience the joy, self-respect, and sense of accomplishment that comes from honest hard work – there is no other way. Dishonest work will also not suffice. Give your best effort at work, even and especially in temporary jobs! Develop your work ethic at home first by cleaning your own mess, your room, the house, and the yard outside. Learn to fix things yourself when you can.
While your possessions can be lost, stolen, or broken, no one can take away the self-respect that you earn through honest hard work.
8. Seek an Education with the Intent to Provide for a Family
You will find that you will make wiser choices in your education and career plans when you have your future family at the center of those decisions. Basing those decisions only on what is easier, convenient, or fun right now will only cheapen your results in the long-term. Do not wait until you have a family to make decisions that should have been made with them in mind earlier.
9. Look to Simple, Real Men in Your Life
While there is a plethora of exemplary (and non-exemplary) men in social media and on the internet, you generally only see their highs and lows, which are also often exaggerated. Instead, notice and look to the strength and happiness of simple men in your life, who are modest, honest, and hardworking; who honor marital vows, spend time with their children/grandchildren, and treat others with kindness and respect; and who are also imperfect, but keep trying to be better. That is a more realistic hero to look to.
Pursue great things in your life. But prioritize what can be your greatest source of joy and fulfillment, and what can accelerate your growth and maturity into manhood – marriage and fatherhood!
