In spite of the increased societal acceptance of things like premarital sex, “hook-ups,” cohabitation, and the LGBT lifestyle, the high percentage of people who disapproved of adultery remained constant – for decades. But about 10 years ago, that changed.

In this week’s Issue Update, Rebecca Heiner gives us insights into this relatively rapid and startling cultural shift – and provides some concrete ways we might be able to help protect and restore the societal norm of fidelity in marriage.

 

In defense of family,

Wendy Wixom, President

United Families International

 

Cultural Norms & Changes in How We View Marital Infidelity

by Rebecca Heiner

In the mid 1800’s, Nathaniel Hawthorne published his famous historical novel The Scarlet Letter. Although his story was considered fiction, the themes are indicative of the very real culture surrounding marriage and fidelity at the time. In the story, a young woman is sentenced to a lifetime of wearing a scarlet-colored letter “A” after engaging in an adulterous affair. Taking place within Puritan Boston in the mid 1600’s, adultery is undoubtedly considered immoral and against the law. The scarlet letter is meant to shame and punish, while also serving as a constant reminder, to herself and the community, of the wrong she has done.

Fast forward many decades to the year 1998. Americans are tuned into their televisions for an impromptu press conference from the White House. Although adultery is no longer considered a crime in most American states, President Bill Clinton (who is married) is scheduled to speak on recent allegations against him regarding sexual misconduct with a young white house intern. The President, dressed in a black suit and ironically sporting a red scarlet tie, stands at the pulpit. Addressing the audience he emphatically declares “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.”

Of course, we know this turned out to be untrue, and President Clinton eventually testified to the grand jury (and later the nation), that he did indeed cheat on his wife and have an inappropriate relationship with Ms. Lewinsky.  A trial is held, but unlike the trial in The Scarlet Letter, it does not revolve around him committing adultery. Instead, he is accused of lying to a Grand Jury and obstructing justice. Despite the evidence against him, and his admittance of cheating on his wife, he is eventually acquitted of all charges.

[Photograph above: Monica Lewinsky, wearing her internship badge that ironically resembles a scarlet letter, stands next to President Clinton on the day they meet.]

While these two stories may differ in content and detail, they tell us a lot about moral, social, and cultural views of marriage and fidelity. While evidence suggests there is often a double standard when it comes to the way we view cheating by men and women, in this example there is an obvious chasm in the way society viewed infidelity in the 1600’s compared to the 1990’s. What was once considered punishable by law was decades later dismissed and overshadowed by other “more important” charges of wrongdoing.  And although research shows that people tend to steadily agree infidelity is wrong, our perceptions and attitudes about morality and cheating have changed along with the cultural shifts of time.

Why should we care? Why would our views on adultery and infidelity be of any significant importance? Because strong marriages and families are a fundamental part of healthy, thriving societies. And while studies show that divorce rates may be on the decline (as is marriage in general), they also indicate that roughly 55% percent of divorces are due to infidelity and cheating. Divorce, even when it may be necessary, greatly affects children, families, individuals, and ultimately society. So, if we want to be better at keeping families together and strengthening society, the way we view infidelity matters.

Changing Views of Sexuality

• The History of Infidelity and the Sexual Revolution

While the purpose of marriage has evolved throughout history, the idea of two people joining together in a committed partnership has remained the same. The essence of marriage is forsaking all other romantic relationships and committing to one partner indefinitely. And while we tend to value the concept of marriage, history is full of examples where infidelity was considered somewhat culturally acceptable. Co-ed bath houses, the use of concubines, slavery, brothel’s, saloons, and massage parlors are all examples of this justification.

Although infidelity is sometimes culturally accepted as a social norm, you may be surprised to learn that as far back as the colonial period, adultery was considered a crime in most states. In fact, as of April 2024, these 16 states still consider extramarital sex a misdemeanor:

• Alabama
• Arizona
• Florida
• Georgia
• Illinois
• Kansas
• Maryland
• New York
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Rhode Island
• South Carolina
• Virginia

*These statistics don’t represent any changes that may have taken place after April of 2024.

Aside from the law, fidelity is often tied to religious beliefs and traditions. Ideals about what is ethically and morally “right” or “wrong” are not just religious concepts, however. Ethics within societies have a lot to do with culture, and as ideas evolve and change, so do our beliefs about what is acceptable and unacceptable within a culture.

• The Sexual Revolution, Birth Control, and Free Love

This was evident in the 1960’s when the sexual revolution challenged conservative attitudes regarding sex, sexuality, and adultery. The younger generation of the 60’s began to push back against authority and reject previous ideas about the morals and values surrounding sex. The cultural norms of abstinence before marriage, fidelity within, and traditional family life began to shift under the weight of these changes. Some contributing factors during this time included:

• Radicalized feminism.
• The development of birth control, empowering women to separate sex from procreation.
• A rise in the acceptance of “single culture” and sexual exploration.
• The birth of Playboy magazine and normalization of promiscuity and publicized sexual expression.

• No-Fault Divorce
• Greater access to swinger clubs, strip clubs, and pornography
• Drugs and Alcohol
• Pornography, Sexual Diversity and Gender Confusion

By the 1980’s, media began to help accelerate a more open view of sexuality. Pornography became more acceptable, and sex was freely depicted in movies, books, television, and music. Many Gen X-ers will never forget seeing singer Madonna roll around the stage in a revealing wedding dress, singing “Like a virgin” at the 1984 MTV Music Video Awards.

Along with pushing the limits of sexual expression, premarital sex and cohabitation began to rise. Contraceptives and birth control made it much easier for people to engage in sexual activity without the worry of conception, and Ideas about sexual commitment began changing. Ideas about marriage were changing too.

In the early 2000’s, LGBTQ rights became front and center as the push for legalization of same sex marriage heated up. By 2015, the Supreme Court ruled to legalize same sex marriage in all 50 states. Although this is often regarded as a civil rights issue, it opened the door to a broad range of diversities regarding sexuality, as well as new ideas about what constitutes monogamy. Ideas and confusion about gender and sexual preference evolved, blurring lines surrounding social norms of the past.

• Is It All About Sex?

While fidelity in a marriage relationship is about more than sexual intimacy, it is undoubtedly a significant part. When two people marry, they pledge to commit physically, emotionally, and mentally to their partner. This, of course, includes sex. As the culture about sexuality changes and we become a society more obsessed with sex, so does our view of relationships and monogamy. And although we may continue to agree cheating is wrong, the grey areas begin to cloud perception of what it means to be “faithful” to another person, and why that commitment is important. Fidelity is undoubtedly about more than sex, but the vast majority of cheating involves some sort of sexual conduct and betrayal.

Where Are We Now?

• A New Perception of Right and Wrong

During the time of The Scarlet Letter, there were very black and white lines between right and wrong. Wearing the letter as a punishment made sense because the majority of the community was in agreement on moral and ethical rules. However, we currently live in a time where right and wrong are often determined by personal preference, and “consent” is often the magic word that can make anything okay. If something is done between two consenting adults, and as long as we have a good enough reason, most anything goes…. even infidelity.

A recent cryptic social media post included a short video clip of a woman lip-syncing song lyrics into the camera. The caption said something about her, and her husband, needing time to recover from their weekend of fun, and the name of a club was tagged in the caption. As I read through the comments it didn’t take long for me to conclude it was a swinger’s club.

We should all be taken aback by their casual acceptance of consensual infidelity. To them it was something to be celebrated and enjoyed, and this club provided a place for them to openly engage in “activities” with someone other than their spouse. And it was okay because they were all consenting. Is this concept of infidelity and monogamy a representation of our new normal?

• What the Statistics Say

A recent article by Ryan Burge explored the idea of whether our views about marriage and fidelity have changed over time. His research revealed some interesting finds. He referenced a General Social Survey conducted with data from 1973 until 2022. The participants were asked what they thought about a married person having sexual relations with someone other than their spouse. Here’s what they found:

• The percentage of people who thought it was “always wrong” stayed somewhere around  80% from 1973-2010.
• Beginning in 2010, something began to shift. The percentage of people who said it was “always wrong” went from 79% in 2010, to 69% in 2022.

The percentage of people who think that adultery is “always wrong” had been stable for decades.  Jumping 10 points in 12 years (79% to 69%) is a significant cultural shift. This article is intended to highlight some specific trends and patterns about infidelity that give us a better picture of its complexities. Simply stating it’s wrong doesn’t stop people from doing it, which says something about how much we value, or don’t value, committed relationships.

What is more telling than whether or not we think adultery is wrong, is actual human behavior. We are seeing the result of this ongoing shift in real time. If we stop and look around, we often see families in peril, relationships deteriorating, marriage becoming obsolete, more and more children born out of wedlock and into unstable situations, and sexuality being reduced to a mere craving that needs to be satiated. If we want to see improvement, and produce better results, it is imperative that we remember strong marriages and families are a fundamental part of healthy societies, and if we want to strengthen society, it really does matter what we think (and do) about fidelity.

Looking To the Future – What Can We Do?

There are many ways we can be proactive when it comes to this issue. First, start by evaluating what we are doing in our own relationships to ensure fidelity stays intact.

• Are we teaching those within our influence (especially children) about the importance of commitment and keeping our promises?
• Are we teaching children to respect themselves and others?
• Are we teaching that marriage is still relevant, good, and necessary?
• And are we teaching respect for sexuality as a gift within marriage?

Influence is such a powerful tool, and change begins with us. Yes, we can positively influence those around us!

We can also support programs and governmental policies within our communities that advocate strengthening marriage and family.  Here is a great resource for ideas on how you can get involved within your own state. It’s important to educate ourselves about what is going on in our communities so we can advocate for things that will benefit society in the best ways possible. Look for opportunities to speak up and educate others about the importance of this issue. Our efforts are never a waste, and as we use our voice and influence to spread this message and great things can, and will, happen; we can return to a culture that truly values fidelity in marriage.

 

• Further Resources:

o          https://www.graphsaboutreligion.com/p/have-views-of-marital-fidelity-changed

o          https://www.mcooperlaw.com/infidelity-stats-2024/           

o          https://www.unitedfamilies.org/marriage/the-attack-on-monogamy/

 

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Rebecca is a graduate of BYU-Idaho, earning a Bachelor of Science in Marriage and Family Studies. She enjoys freelance writing, especially about topics surrounding families. She and her husband live in Riverton, Utah, and for the past 25 years have been raising and loving their three daughters. She enjoys reading, writing, and relaxing in the backyard on warm summer nights. Rebecca is passionate about the importance of families in society, and hopes to continue advocating for strong and healthy family relationships.