June 10, 2024
By Becky Tingey
Have you ever dropped a pebble in a lake and watched the ripples move across the
water like concentric circles? The circles get bigger and bigger as they spread out. It is a
fascinating thing to observe. Ripples are a great metaphor for what happens in divorce. Divorce
produces a ripple effect on those directly involved with it and the entire community.
The Effects of Divorce
My parents divorced when I was fifteen years old. It was a painful experience as I sat in
the courtroom and listened as the judge declared the final say in my parents’ petition to dissolve
their marriage. My parents seemed aloof, and I was sad to see them completely distanced from
each other. My heart sank as I listened. I wanted to shout out, “Stop! Don’t do it! This will be
the biggest mistake of your life!” I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you try to
scream but nothing comes out. My voice wasn’t heard or considered in this decision that would
affect my life for years to come.
The judge allowed my parents to have joint custody of me and my two other siblings, but
the results were that my mom cared for us most of the time with little or no support from my
father. One of the consequences of divorce was that my mom became the sole provider with less
income and support. Decreased father involvement had a negative effect on me and my siblings.
Some findings suggest that parental divorce tends to increase the risk of children failing
at school, decreased physical health, and greater risk of child abuse. The year my parents were
divorced I failed Geometry and struggled in school, and I attribute it to less parental support and
emotional stress from the dissolution of my family and my home life.
My little sister was eleven when our parents divorced, and she seemed to be more
affected by it. Moving schools and homes multiple times caused her to struggle finding friends.
She started doing drugs, became sexually active, and eventually dropped out in ninth grade.
Teens from divorced homes are more likely to engage in drug use and become sexually active as
opposed to those who live with parents who are married.
No Fault Divorce
In 1969, California became the first state to allow No-fault divorce. Eventually every
state created some kind of No-fault divorce law with varying requirements. It was super easy for
my parents to get divorced. From the time they filed to the time they were divorced it was no
more than three months. I wish that the state would have made it harder for them to divorce. If
the government had made them wait a year and required marriage classes, they might have had a
better chance of staying together.
It has been thirty years since the divorce and both parents wish they would have stuck it
out and made it work. They talk about how they regret their decision to divorce. About one third
to eighty percent of people who get divorced regret their decision. The current divorce laws
make divorce too easy. Marriage is a serious and binding contract. Would people expect to get
out of legal contracts like bank loans so easily? They likely would not. And yet, couples can
break the marriage contract with little to no reason. What people really need is support in their
marriage and parenting, not an easy way out. Divorce is usually not the answer to their problems.
The Importance of Marriage
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a man who opposed the Nazi regime in Germany during World War Two wrote a letter to his niece while in prison that expressed the importance of marriage. He taught that marriage is more than love between a man and a woman, it is a post of responsibility to the world and mankind. Marriage is more than love; it is designed by God to protect children who are born because of the union between man and woman. Dietrich Bonhoeffer understood this responsibility and took the time to teach his family about the importance of marriage.
The webster 1828 dictionary defines marriage as a union between man and woman that God instituted to prevent promiscuous sex, to promote happiness, and to safeguard the welfare of children. Divorce is often the result of selfish desires and wishes of adults and it neglects the wellbeing of children. Marriage is designed to protect children.
Advice for those considering divorce.
If you are considering divorce, I hope you will contemplate the ripple effects that will come if you choose to dissolve your marriage. I hope you will see that the grass is not greener on the other side. My parents have yet to find that greener grass. My parents’ divorce didn’t just affect them. It affected me and my siblings, my children, my grandchildren, and generations to come. It affected our extended family and friends. It affected our entire community.
